Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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