my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
