i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
