She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
