I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I think I died a long time ago.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
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