dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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