just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
its liver damage thursday
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
