if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize