god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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