I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
