At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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