i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
