my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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