if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
