make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
