just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
