dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Apparently you make a good broom.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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