Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
you made out with another girl for some wings
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
