Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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