We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize