I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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