im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Randomize
