I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
