at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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