I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
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