somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
