When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Randomize
