Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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