Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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