I cannot find my penis.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
