was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
