She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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