On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
