so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
