I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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