Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Randomize
