I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
