Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
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