You smell like a Billy Joel song
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
