so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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