How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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