I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
