1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
