Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
