were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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