I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
You ruined the universe
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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