I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
