Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
