I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
