He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
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