Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
