stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
