After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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