was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
