Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
