In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
