hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
You were trust falling into bushes
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
