In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
